Archive for the ‘News from the Future’ Category

President Obama in Bollywood

March 21, 2009

Wednesday, March 21 2029

Bollywood, Al-Mumbai, Pakindustan

While visiting Bollywood, Eternal President of the United States of Northeast America, Hussein Obama met with representatives of the Taliban government. Pakindustan leaders have assured Mr. Obama of their intentions to support the efforts of the United States to recover from economic difficulties by providing much needed reprogramming of disputed financial obligations. United States, in turn, shall boost its agricultural production by means of aggressive subsidies aimed at return to traditional means of production. “Through government programs of  returning to pitchforks and horse-powered plows, we expect to contribute to the environmental preservation while dramatically boosting the employment,” said Eternal President.  “It is obvious that more people will be employed if we use pitchforks instead of automated machinery. Additionally, animal care and booming environment-friendly dung-processing industry shall provide much needed increase in employment and GDP thus making us capable to respond to the challenges of our financial obligations,” he added.

Pakindustan leaders took this opportunity to express their concern about alleged violations of freedom of speech and  human rights in the USNA. Eternal President assured the Taliban representatives that the measures currently in place are only “temporary efforts aimed at conquering the runaway economy.  North American people are strong, united and hopeful. We have hope we can change and we shall overcome this crisis come hell or high inflation.” When asked whether so called ‘quantitative easing’, which has become official USNA financial policy in the last couple of decades, is contributing to the inflation, Eternal President noted that “explanations are entirely unnecessary, since everyone who ever went to the bathroom has the first-hand understaning of the benefits of quantitative easing and the associated paper-fetish.”

At the later meeting with press regarding his appearance in the upcoming highly-anticipated biographical movie “The Aura of Hope”, Eternal President has denied the widely speculated possibility that his aura originates from years of exposure to radiation of energy-efficient nuclear lightbulbs installed in the Oval Office as part of the economic stimulus campaign. “My fluorescent aura is the direct consequence of the ongoing transcedental spiritual processes in my brain which, in turn, is caused by extremely high level of care for humanity. Moreover, the aura is a guarantee that the hope for change is alive and well.”

Chinese government did not comment on Mr. Obama’s Bollywood visit. We remind that the relations between China and USNA have been severely strained since USNA has failed to fulfill its financial obligations couple of decades ago. In the past, in addition to repeated concerns about human rights violations, the Chinese have repeatedly accused USNA to put too much emphasis on media and show business while their economy struggles and financial obligations mount.

From Al-Mumbai, Pakindustan for Bool Shift

Simplicio Veritas

Perpetual Stimulus Voted into Law

March 12, 2009

Monday, March 12 2029

During the press conference, the Perpetual Bailout Committee Chairman rep. Barney Frank said that the current financial crisis is a direct consequence of not sufficient revenue generated from the modest 97.5% tax rate. New legislation, known in public as “blackout prevention”, is expected to provide much needed relief from two decades long recession which threatens to grow into a full-blown depression, stated Mr. Frank.

He added that “this bill was particularly important because middle class and less well off Northeast Americans do not have a large economic cushion. We want all our citizens to be comfortable and those well-off are more than happy to be their brother’s keepers, to quote the wisdom of our Eternal President. The newly passed 98.75% tax rate legislation will provide much needed relief for the struggling segment of population below poverty threshold, which is currently estimated around modest 95%. Upon recommendation from the Eternal President and his economic advisers, we are considering additional stimulative legislation such as food-stamp card gambling and fully subsidized online access for citizens willing to print the money themselves. We expect significant savings in reduced paperwork and postage fees as well as several million new high-tech web site maintenance jobs. All these are, no doubt, significant steps toward economic recovery.”

When asked about possibility of allowing the multiple political party system, both rep. Frank and rep. Pelosi have declined such possibility in the near future. “Times are not ripe for such a radical step. Besides, People’s Democratic Party has clearly been the only choice of the people of the United States of Northeast America to lead them out of the economic downturn into the bright future.”

Perpetual President Hussein Obama has not appeared at the conference due to his urgent obligations in Bollywood. He sent his personal representative Rahm Emanuel to the conference. Emanuel has expressed Eternal President’s gratitude to the legislators for their dedicated work on harnessing the renewable winds of change. “No crisis should ever be allowed to expire unused,” said Emanuel promptly rewarded with a loud applause from the audience.

Representatives have also expressed hopes that exports of berries to China would help offset the current minor economic difficulties and predicted that the recovery in the second half of the year is very likely. As we have reported, for almost a decade Chinese government has refused to open up its market to what they call “totalitarian American northeast regime”.

Neither Confederate States of Dixieland nor Ephemeral States of Wild West political representatives have yet commented on their neighbor’s prolonged economic troubles.

Stay tuned for more news from the future.

For Bool Shift from Obama DC,

Simplicio Veritas.